well...its been a long time. SO much has happend...and i'm too tired to start right now but, i'll get back to it. promise.

Today i did something bad
something i said i wasn't going to do
But i also did something good
something i thought i couldn't without it.
Its just my little secret...only the one that brought me and got it knows
and i think i might keep it that way...until i can't sleep...until like always i burnout.
who knows where urges come from.
they are there
you can only say bad idea so many times
then you give in.
you always give in.

today kinda sucked. I drank to much last night. like most nights i drink. I had to work at my "part time job" that got supper busy. I feel really sick. and really tired and i keep lossing feeling in my right hand. yep. i wish i could sleep. i didn't get anything done today that i had planned. Its crappy out and cold. TV sucks.
NOW i feel better...thax livejournal.

My puppy was so good yesterday...he is growing sooooo fast i can't even stand it. Carly and i went for a walk yesterday. It was good for the soul. She told me yesterday that I am the only true friend she's got and that's ok with her. I think she might be the only person that truely gets my mind and doesn't let me get away with my bullshit problems...either that or hers are bigger and she doesn't want to hear about mine all the time. Which is good. I think that I have been neglecting a lot of people in my life. It just seems so hard these days to be the one doing all the calling and all the planning. Part of the problem is that people just havent grown up yet...i'm exhausted of helping and pushing people through things. And i know that i don't have to do these things, but i would be very alone if i didn't. The float through life waiting for things to happen lifestyle of the modern day hippies that stand for nothing but cheap trendy beer, wiskey and weed seem to be the only people left in this city. And as much as i would love to have that " i don't give a shit lifestyle" i don't and i can't seem to rap my head around being that lazy and that unmotivated. Just a thought for this morning I guess. My back has been freaking out for the last couple days and i can't sleep so well because of it so i'm going to try to take a nap on my hard as hell couch. the end





Oh and also this is Carly...i will prolly talk about her alot.


And this is Angelah...alot of you know this girl already...but she is "real" in my life.


This is my friend La and her wonderful new husband Jason


This is my roomate Mark and my friend Leah


My boyfriend


These are the people i will prolly talk about the most...we have a blast...we don't fuck around and i love it.



i should prolly show you my pets too...not that you care, but they are my loves

Monster...aka MonMon


Asya


Crazy...full name Madam sir crazylegs gimpsalot


and last but not least...Frankenstein!


thax
catfriend

By the time i realize what its worth
For everything I've tried so hard to fight against
I fight for him
Everyday.
The way i want to run
The way i know that its not right
The way i think its not right
He was standing in front of me
I was by your side
All i could do was think about how i loved waking up in his bed.
How i missed is crooked smile
I twist these feelings up inside
Letting a sentence slip to a close friend every now and then
But i wont get time back
And if i mess this up i wont have him.
my stomach is hungry...my head angry with it.
My friendships dwindle
My friendships
My friendships.
For the idea of what I need to be
I am fighting to be ok
I am fighting against myself
My constant pull toward destruction
Not a choice.
Not a proper way to live.
No-one can give me time back
No-one can tell me whats right for me
And somehow i can't tell myself either.
For i'm afraid the answer might mean i have to change
and that could be the fight lose.
failing was never an option
I wish i could rip my eyes out so i can't see the way your face looks when you can't understand...when you think its dumb...when you think its a game. Then i would turn them around, maybe i could see the way i look as if from someone else...i really wonder if they can see how much pain this truly is...then i would throw them away...cuz i don't want them anymore....There only good for flaws.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cold